I've Always Wanted to be in Love
by The Carnivorous Muffin
Summary: Misa Amane meets an alien princess and plots what form she'll take when she meets Kira face to face. Side fic/spin off to God of the Machine


**Author's Note: For those of you about to read this I offer fair warning that this is a side fic to the more complete and in depth fic "God of the Machine", however I also offer the warning that this is an AU side fic to that fic so if you haven't read that one you won't be too confused and nothing that happens in here will affect what happens in there.**

* * *

There are a thousand and one Misas stuffed into Misa Amane's closet.

She likes to think that each Misa in that closet has a little bit of a different story to go with her. They're not just outfits, they're people.

Misa the nurse, for example, isn't a naughty nurse like the outfit implies (although she does find that her uniform attracts a certain kind of sexual attention), but is a true nurse disillusioned with the idea of nursing. She sees all these people dying, disgusting diseased things, and she hates herself for hating them. A nurse in a naughty nurse's outfit, attending a frat party on the undergraduate campus, working up the nerve over cheap beer to sleep with the awkward man in his residency; just to see how far she can really fall.

Misa the school girl is less complicated, She doesn't wear that role too often and now that particular Misa is stuffed into her closet more out of nostalgia than anything else. The last time she really was Misa the school girl, complete with cell phone, glasses, short cropped dark hair, and a navy blue school uniform, was when she actually was in high school. She can still be Misa the school girl, of course, but she finds it limiting and wearing as she has to try more tricks to get the make up just right so that Misa the school girl really does look like a school girl. (Aging is such a tedious, ugly, terrible thing.)

Recently she's been deviating between two different Misas and she's still finding her footing in both of them.

One of them is the Lolita-Misa. One might think that Lolita-Misa is a bit old to be playing at Lolita but that's part of the key to Lolita-Misa, she is much too old to be playing the role but desperately does so anyways. Lolita-Misa is overkill in every aspect, she's adorable and macabre in the same moment, buying keychain black crucifixes and using the brightest lipstick and darkest eyeshadow she can buy. Lolita-Misa doesn't have the patience to read Poe or watch The Outer Limits but enjoys cheap slasher horror films and ominous Gregorian chanting soundtracks. Lolita-Misa, ironically, has never read Lolita and doesn't realize it's a book. Everything is material, superficial, and entirely superfluous; Lolita-Misa exists in such a manner that Lolita-Misa can't possibly exist. She is cardboard.

The other is Misa the pop star. Misa the pop star is taken more out of a professional need than any real desire. Misa the model lacked depth and appeal in interviews, she just posed for the picture, and teen magazines like Misa the pop star. Misa the pop star has been writing music in her spare time, catchy tunes about boys and girls, dances and prom and true bubble-gum puppy love. Misa the pop star refers to herself in third person, makes public appearances quite often, and is ambitious and excited for what the future will bring her. She doesn't realize that sugar pop only lasts until your thirty and then you have to get a little more serious with your music.

Sometimes these two Misas blend together accidentally, she's been wearing them so often. Lolita-Misa will reference her modeling career, Misa the pop star will wear an outfit just a little too edgy for an interview, but for the most part they keep their distance from one another.

It's Lolita-Misa who found the alien princess and it was shortly after that Lolita-Misa returned to the closet from whence she came for a new and unimagined Misa that she'd never worn or conceived of before.

* * *

The alien princess looks like a little white girl.

Well, she shouldn't say little because the girl is taller than her, but she's young. The girl looks like she should still be in high school somewhere, in Europe, or else North America. She has that purely Caucasian look to her, Irish or German background with her fair red hair, and her pale blue eyes.

Still, there's something about the way the red-headed girl holds herself, the way she watches the world, that cements the idea that this girl isn't really human. The girl wears humanity like she wears Misas; very well but not well enough if you're looking very closely.

It was by divine accident that Lolita-Misa found her. Lolita-Misa was going to her apartment, keenly keeping to the well-lit side walk (the elegant Misa the actress once travelled down a back alley and met a rabid fan with a knife; the man died but since then Misa the actress has hung in the closet and every Misa since has avoided those types of situations) when suddenly standing in front of her without any explanation was the girl.

The girl shivered, clutched at her clothing (plain teenaged clothing that spoke of far too little time spent shopping or caring about what she wore; there was no Misa the slob in the closet) and blinked around in confusion.

Finally her eyes settled on Lolita-Misa and for a moment she seemed perplexed; and then she seemed horrified.

The girl made to walk away, turning from Lolita-Misa to walk in the other direction, but Lolita-Misa stopped her, "Wait, where are you going?"

The girl didn't turn back, just kept walking, but Lolita-Misa kept pace. They walked that way for almost a half an hour when finally the girl stopped and turned back to Lolita-Misa. She looked as if she was in shock but also extremely afraid; because the alien princess somehow knew that Lolita-Misa was only a thing to be worn.

The alien princess agreed to stay in Misa's apartment, at least for a while, since she had nowhere else to go. She claimed that she would be leaving soon, for America (she claimed to be American despite speaking flawless perfectly idiomatic Japanese), but each time she would try to leave something would stop her. Either way the alien princess stayed with her longer than the alien princess had probably wished.

She could have told the alien princess that wishing and having were two very different things. Misa the girl, who didn't have costumes in her closet, had wished long and hard for her parents but they hadn't come back from the dead and that junky thief had never met divine retribution.

For the most part the alien princess was very disappointingly dull for an alien princess in those early days. She was wearing a high school white girl, which, while the act was good it was also overplayed and seen by everyone before. Lolita-Misa at least made you look twice. She tried to sneak into corners, stay out late and make other friends so she didn't have to come back, look for apartments.

It was so good it almost made her wonder if the alien princess really had appeared out of nowhere, like the flash of a camera, or if she had just imagined it. But she hadn't imagined it, she wasn't that stupid, and so she just kept waiting for something to happen.

And eventually something did.

* * *

When Kira made his presence known she finally put Lolita-Misa to rest. She'd been debating the role for some time, she still liked it and hadn't quite fleshed it out, but at the same time some unknown part was calling her name.

The alien princess had been the first sign, that it was time to shed skin, but Kira was the true ringing the gong that made it clear.

The trouble was that she had no idea what Misa the goddess looked like.

She researched on the internet, all the old and terrible gods and goddesses, and none seemed to fit quite right. She moved through Shinto, passed by Amaterasu-omikami and other familiar goddesses, passed by the Celtic goddess Rhiannon, by Athena from Greece, and others. She'd always liked Jesus of Nazareth but mostly she liked the crucifixes, the ominous symbolism of it, and not really him.

Eventually she asked the alien princess, "What does a goddess look like?"

She doesn't have a name for the girl, the girl has no identification or passports (which proved troublesome because she couldn't rent another apartment or get a job or anything else as an illegal immigrant). The girl looked up, blinking, looking for a moment terrified by the question (as if she knew exactly what a goddess looked like), "How should I know?"

"Misa doesn't know what goddesses look like, she's looked up a lot on the internet but she doesn't always like what she sees." Too dependent on men, tied to their fellow gods or goddesses, like rival feudal warlords constantly bickering with one another.

But monotheism tends not to have form or else if it does it is of an old man and not a young woman which just doesn't work at all.

The alien goddess thought about it for a moment and then said slowly, "Why should a god or goddess look like anything when they can choose whatever they appear as?"

It wasn't much of an answer but it struck a chord with her and she realized that Misa the goddess was every Misa. Every Misa she'd ever conceived or put away, Misa the goddess was the Misa who wore them all. She wore them in a way that a painter chooses colors, strategically, with grace and elegance, and more so with intention.

Misa the goddess looks nothing like a death god.

* * *

Every Misa would love Kira except perhaps for Misa the goddess. Gods were beyond things like love and emotion, removed from them, but Misa the goddess did recognize his strength and wove her tapestry with that in mind.

Lolita-Misa would fall in worship of him, Misa the pop star would demand his bubble-gum love should she meet him face to face, and Misa the girl… Misa the girl who no longer hung in her closet, she would cry at the fact that God had finally answered her and that there was such a thing as justice in this cold and pointless universe.

Whatever the particular Misa's reaction, whatever the feelings, she knew that she must meet him face to face. She must see him, she must feel him and know that he is real, and then only then will she move forward.

The alien princess had known for a long time that a Death Note would find its way to her. The alien princess had probably known it since that first day she spied Lolita-Misa on the street. When Rem appeared and explained the circumstances, gelousy and death, the alien princess backed away and hid her face leaving the room.

Misa the goddess watched this carefully, speaking to Rem and saying the right things, because Rem loved her and must continue to love her (she would wear through all her Misas so long as she guaranteed this suicidal affection). Later, when the alien princess returned (cold, wet, and unwilling) Misa the goddess said that she would like the alien princess to get her in contact with Kira.

"Why do you think I know Kira?" The girl asked, her blue eyes harder than flint, a warrior alien princess in every right.

"You know Kira." Misa the goddess said, knowing the girl isn't as stupid as she likes to pretend sometimes or like the various Misas pretend to be on different occasions (men love stupid women; and many of the Misas thrive on what men give them).

"I don't." The girl responded with a shrug; a shallow teenaged thing that Misa thinks she'll copy one day when she has the chance and the inclination, but for that moment Misa the goddess didn't bend.

"You do, Misa's sure of it." Misa said and then finally began to muse, "You've known Misa would be like Kira for a long time, it's why you're so shy. Misa doesn't have to be like that, she doesn't want to kill you, doesn't need to. But Misa would… appreciate if you would get a message to Kira."

The girl said nothing, pursing her lips, but always so very careful and aware of herself. Anyone else might lose their temper, many of the Misas would lose their temper, but the alien princess is always careful.

It's how Misa knew that the alien princess would do what she wanted. Because the alien princess wasn't stupid, and by being able to deliver the message she would get to see Kira first, to warn him or perhaps to influence him but either way to spread Misa's name and let it marinate in his mind.

A goddess needs a god, that's how it seems in all the pantheons, and every deity worth her salt needs a messenger to herald her arrival.

So while their eyes met, carefully so carefully, she knew the girl would break.

* * *

"Misa's always wanted to be in love." She confesses to the alien princess, "She's never done it before but Misa's always liked the idea of romance and flowers."

Love was supposedly at once a brutal and soft thing, roses with the thorns, or a blazing burning thing of fashion. Misa the goddess has decided, after much debate and much time, that she will fall in love with Kira.

The alien princess has delivered her message, they are now in the present, and she has been very silent since she walked in looking perhaps even more distant and omniscient than usual.

"Is that right?" The alien princess asks, her voice soft and very far away.

"Is Kira very handsome."

"Gorgeous." The girl responds, instantaneously, as if this is entirely irrelevant. But of course it's the only thing that is relevant, necessary, but somehow Misa already knew that Kira would be a man and he would be beautiful. How could he be anything else?

"Like a real prince charming then, good, Misa likes the sound of that, the idea of that. Misa sings songs about romance, true love, she thinks she should try it out. And she really should with him, because she owes him more than she can ever say." Because of Kira, Misa the girl has been vindicated.

He was the reason for her existence.

For a moment she thinks over all the Misas that have been up until now, the moments that have been up until now, she revises them and categorizes them inside her head until they're all neat and tidy.

She sees the future, she and Kira will be married, like Zeus and Hera but Misa the goddess will not give up her divinity merely for him. Perhaps she will sacrifice it, later, but for now it is unnecessary and eternity beckons. She will be all Misas for always, the closet will become obsolete, and she will move forward and past everything.

The alien princess just watches her with cold dead eyes.

And only a few short minutes later she feels a stabbing in her chest, she looks over at the princess who says nothing, and makes a call for Rem. She counts the seconds, she was told them and knows them, and they are precise and fatal.

Her body hits the floor.

* * *

 **Author's Note: Based on the prompt given by the 300th reviewer of God of the Machine by patheticnoob who asked for a fic where Anna Jones shows up with Misa instead of Light. I really tried to think of an extended plot for this though and it almost turned into "Misery" the fanfic, but in the end there seemed no more fitting a path than Misa just being nuts.**

 **Thank you for reading reviews are always appreciated.**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note.**


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